Apologetic.

Is it normal to feel apologetic from time to time? Probably not as frequently as I am feeling now. I see a pattern reoccurring on a two-week basis. Last time I sobbed like this was within the aforementioned time frame, when I was completely heartbroken. 

This time was slightly bizarre. Nothing really triggered it but it just happened like an unannounced thunder storm. No signal, nothing, but it hurts like a bitch. It felt like there were countless mental cuts and blisters. It was borderline psychotic. 

Now that I've calm down I still don't know why it occurred. Have I accumulated enough negativity for a burst out again? Cm'on, I have larger capacity than that. I am well trained and I should only be getting better at this. 

A few days ago, I came across this quote on instagram:

I'm proud of my heart. It's been played, stabbed, cheated, burned, and broken, but somehow still works. 

I may not have experienced all of the feelings, but close enough. 


I'm starting to understand the feeling of knowing there isn't anyone waiting for you after one day of hard work. It's scarier than lonely. The negativity swallows you up so easily like a tsunami carries away a helpless human being. I guess this was the trigger point. I was both mentally and physically exhausted but I clearly know that no one could share my feelings or no one could distract me from these trashy feelings. I would go home with empty walls. Just by thinking of that made me had teary eyes at office. Vulnerable.

A lesson learned. Staying single forever doesn't seem to be an option for a person as needy as me.