Dear whoever's reading this:
I hate being the second choice. For whatever reason I've always been pushing down the list for my entire life. He would almost definitely be choosing another girl than me, prioritizing her on top of me, and what I hate most: friendzoning me.
"We're bros."
FUCK THIS.
I hate being the late realization. If you loved me when we were going out then you would treat me like a precious stone with extra care. Not after I've broken up with you. You can say the prettiest, the sweetest, the warmest words ever to me, but I am not turning back. You've hung up on me. You've shaken my hands off you. You've requested me to change into a person that it's not longer me. I'm fed up.
"I'm sorry."
FUCK THIS.
I hate being the "tool". What makes him think it's okay to use me as a tool to make her jealous, and may possibly make him to be more competitive. Has he ever treated me as a friend, even. Because according to my dictionary, friends shouldn't be treated this way. The slightest betrayal at my most fragile moment hurts like a bitch. It cuts through my flesh literally like the sharpest knife is cutting through the layers of my skin. Millimeter by Millimeter.
"Oh, you can't come on Friday."
"That's ok, I was just about to tell you I don't want to go"
"Awesome!"
FUCK THIS.
(Don't take care of me like a little child when I'm drunk if you don't have any feelings for me. You were cuddling me and stroking my hair. You even put your arm around me so I could feel safe inside your hug. You're genuinely screwing up my feelings.)
What's gonna happen next?
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Apologetic.
Is it normal to feel apologetic from time to time? Probably not as frequently as I am feeling now. I see a pattern reoccurring on a two-week basis. Last time I sobbed like this was within the aforementioned time frame, when I was completely heartbroken.
This time was slightly bizarre. Nothing really triggered it but it just happened like an unannounced thunder storm. No signal, nothing, but it hurts like a bitch. It felt like there were countless mental cuts and blisters. It was borderline psychotic.
Now that I've calm down I still don't know why it occurred. Have I accumulated enough negativity for a burst out again? Cm'on, I have larger capacity than that. I am well trained and I should only be getting better at this.
A few days ago, I came across this quote on instagram:
I'm proud of my heart. It's been played, stabbed, cheated, burned, and broken, but somehow still works.
I may not have experienced all of the feelings, but close enough.
I'm starting to understand the feeling of knowing there isn't anyone waiting for you after one day of hard work. It's scarier than lonely. The negativity swallows you up so easily like a tsunami carries away a helpless human being. I guess this was the trigger point. I was both mentally and physically exhausted but I clearly know that no one could share my feelings or no one could distract me from these trashy feelings. I would go home with empty walls. Just by thinking of that made me had teary eyes at office. Vulnerable.
A lesson learned. Staying single forever doesn't seem to be an option for a person as needy as me.
This time was slightly bizarre. Nothing really triggered it but it just happened like an unannounced thunder storm. No signal, nothing, but it hurts like a bitch. It felt like there were countless mental cuts and blisters. It was borderline psychotic.
Now that I've calm down I still don't know why it occurred. Have I accumulated enough negativity for a burst out again? Cm'on, I have larger capacity than that. I am well trained and I should only be getting better at this.
A few days ago, I came across this quote on instagram:
I'm proud of my heart. It's been played, stabbed, cheated, burned, and broken, but somehow still works.
I may not have experienced all of the feelings, but close enough.
I'm starting to understand the feeling of knowing there isn't anyone waiting for you after one day of hard work. It's scarier than lonely. The negativity swallows you up so easily like a tsunami carries away a helpless human being. I guess this was the trigger point. I was both mentally and physically exhausted but I clearly know that no one could share my feelings or no one could distract me from these trashy feelings. I would go home with empty walls. Just by thinking of that made me had teary eyes at office. Vulnerable.
A lesson learned. Staying single forever doesn't seem to be an option for a person as needy as me.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Guardian of the Galaxy (Spoiler Alerts)
I am a movie junkie. (except genres such as extreme thriller - saw series, or plots that involves pets dying - Hachi: A Dog's Tale)
I particularly like sci-fi because it allows me to indulge in a virtual world that I would never have a chance to experience. Creativity stimulates me. Hence my obsession to the marvel series. Note: it does not mean I know everything about it.
Frankly, I knew nothing about the Guardian of the Galaxy before the trailer was released. I know none of the characters and nothing really stood out to me. I didn't even watch the trailer. That's actually one of my weird habits too because I sometimes find some of the trailers expose too much of the story line and leaves me with too little to anticipate when actually watching the movie. I wasn't intrigued until posters were all around the metro stations. So I imdb-ed it. The rating was 9/10!!! which astounded me. IMDB rarely gives out ratings that high.
The movie was unexpected in so many different ways! Before I go into my review, I just wanted to point out that I was genuinely thinking why the kid's name was Peter when the movie started 2 seconds. It made me think of Peter Parker and his uncle. Good that everybody actually calls him Quill.
Anyway! First off, the music selection was fantastic I almost wanted to dance with it.
Second- YAY the protagonist is not a heroic person who beats a billion people with a tiny gun/knife cough cough 007. Quill is hysterically funny with a tiny bit of awkwardness. He doesn't try to save the world like it is his responsibility at the very beginning. His chemistry with Gamora was not lovey dovey where their eyes met and instantly felt head to toe for each other. The scene when he introduced his memorable playlist to Gamora and the two started dancing. I was like oh typical.. but no, Gamora yelled out: I really like the melody. I laughed! Another thing I really like about this character is that he is so goofy! At the very last scene when Ronan was just about to wipe out the entire planet by the freed stone, he suddenly started singing and dancing. The atmosphere went straight from intense/breathtaking to hilariously wacky. Everyone at the theatre laughed so hard. One more thing- Chris Pratt is without a doubt an eye candy. His naked upper body was surprisingly buff and well built. Something to look out for when watching the movie haha.
Groot- ohmygod! He is SOOOOO cute. The only line he says is "I AM GROOT" but he is the cutest creature ever. Rocket is the only person who understands what he's saying but their chemistry is amazing! I really liked the scene when he extended his arms into several branches and killed a bunch of enemies in a row, then turned back at Quill and Drax with the most innocent smile on his face. I DIED. Later, he was crashed into pieces when trying to protect his teammates by turning himself into a wooden shield. Rocket took one of the crashed pieces and planted it in soil, and WALA: Groot was reborn into a baby Groot. SO DAMN CUTE. He was dancing with his arms following the beats it was the best!!!!
Rocket- I didn't expect him to be so complex. A brainiac who knows how to break through computer systems but happens to be very low self-confidence due to his past. He is dependent on Groot and I was very upset when he was holding a piece of Groot crying.
Frankly, I couldn't tell he was voiced by Brandley Cooper. So for those of you who wants to hear Cooper's charismatic voice.. maybe you can forget about it.
The entire movie was very well written and directed. The story line was not draggy at all. The 3D effects was not disappointing either - a couple scenes were worth mentioning but I will do one! I really liked the scene when the team entered Ronan's space ship and it was pitch black. Groot lightened up the area by having teeny tiny glowy flowers as light bulbs. This scene was so pretty already but with the extra 3D effect it was phenomenal.
Guardian of the Galaxy is an excellent movie that you would feel like it worth you every penny of the ticket. It's extremely funny and entertaining. It's not just a superhero movie because of the extraordinary twists in it. I am sure you'll find the two hours went by too quickly!
Until next time :)
I particularly like sci-fi because it allows me to indulge in a virtual world that I would never have a chance to experience. Creativity stimulates me. Hence my obsession to the marvel series. Note: it does not mean I know everything about it.
Frankly, I knew nothing about the Guardian of the Galaxy before the trailer was released. I know none of the characters and nothing really stood out to me. I didn't even watch the trailer. That's actually one of my weird habits too because I sometimes find some of the trailers expose too much of the story line and leaves me with too little to anticipate when actually watching the movie. I wasn't intrigued until posters were all around the metro stations. So I imdb-ed it. The rating was 9/10!!! which astounded me. IMDB rarely gives out ratings that high.
The movie was unexpected in so many different ways! Before I go into my review, I just wanted to point out that I was genuinely thinking why the kid's name was Peter when the movie started 2 seconds. It made me think of Peter Parker and his uncle. Good that everybody actually calls him Quill.
Anyway! First off, the music selection was fantastic I almost wanted to dance with it.
Second- YAY the protagonist is not a heroic person who beats a billion people with a tiny gun/knife cough cough 007. Quill is hysterically funny with a tiny bit of awkwardness. He doesn't try to save the world like it is his responsibility at the very beginning. His chemistry with Gamora was not lovey dovey where their eyes met and instantly felt head to toe for each other. The scene when he introduced his memorable playlist to Gamora and the two started dancing. I was like oh typical.. but no, Gamora yelled out: I really like the melody. I laughed! Another thing I really like about this character is that he is so goofy! At the very last scene when Ronan was just about to wipe out the entire planet by the freed stone, he suddenly started singing and dancing. The atmosphere went straight from intense/breathtaking to hilariously wacky. Everyone at the theatre laughed so hard. One more thing- Chris Pratt is without a doubt an eye candy. His naked upper body was surprisingly buff and well built. Something to look out for when watching the movie haha.
Groot- ohmygod! He is SOOOOO cute. The only line he says is "I AM GROOT" but he is the cutest creature ever. Rocket is the only person who understands what he's saying but their chemistry is amazing! I really liked the scene when he extended his arms into several branches and killed a bunch of enemies in a row, then turned back at Quill and Drax with the most innocent smile on his face. I DIED. Later, he was crashed into pieces when trying to protect his teammates by turning himself into a wooden shield. Rocket took one of the crashed pieces and planted it in soil, and WALA: Groot was reborn into a baby Groot. SO DAMN CUTE. He was dancing with his arms following the beats it was the best!!!!
Rocket- I didn't expect him to be so complex. A brainiac who knows how to break through computer systems but happens to be very low self-confidence due to his past. He is dependent on Groot and I was very upset when he was holding a piece of Groot crying.
Frankly, I couldn't tell he was voiced by Brandley Cooper. So for those of you who wants to hear Cooper's charismatic voice.. maybe you can forget about it.
The entire movie was very well written and directed. The story line was not draggy at all. The 3D effects was not disappointing either - a couple scenes were worth mentioning but I will do one! I really liked the scene when the team entered Ronan's space ship and it was pitch black. Groot lightened up the area by having teeny tiny glowy flowers as light bulbs. This scene was so pretty already but with the extra 3D effect it was phenomenal.
Guardian of the Galaxy is an excellent movie that you would feel like it worth you every penny of the ticket. It's extremely funny and entertaining. It's not just a superhero movie because of the extraordinary twists in it. I am sure you'll find the two hours went by too quickly!
Until next time :)
I don't know how to flirt
This is very important.
I do not understand how I could be born without this ability. Every female should know how and it should an instinct to attract the opposite sex. Animals know how to do it, why can't human beings?
I know how to be friends with men but I don't want to be friendzoned. How do I keep the flirtatious chemistry between me and men? This is extremely difficult to balance.
A few questions I have in mind:
- How do I know if a guy finds me attractive?
- How to tell if he would like to continue a conversation with me?
- How would I know if a guy is interested in me?
- How is this entire relationship thing work? Is there another manual for it?
- If i am always initiating the conversation, does that mean he is not interested? Or does it mean he's just shy?
You can never tell.
People with more experiences always say "Oh, you'll just know." "You can feel his way towards you". N-O, I cannot. It is one of my many many flaws and there is no way to fix it.
This flaw has made me lose quite a few opportunities and inadvertently shut a few doors. Mum always tells me how I should make myself more approachable to people. I should also stop rejecting people. The advice made me start reflecting on my impression to others. Maybe the way I response or the way I end a conversation is discouraging to men. Maybe they got the wrong message and interpreted as a rejection. It's never to late to realize and to change though I would've appreciated if I could learn it sooner.
Note to self:
1. Be more gentle
2. Laugh your way through when you don't want to sound harsh
3. Build up an unique personality but an amicable one
4. Self-confidence
5. Maintain a conversation
6. CALM DOWN
All in all, find a person who you feel compatible with, you can talk to for countless hours, you can count on, you can have fun with.
Re-read this post if necessary.
I do not understand how I could be born without this ability. Every female should know how and it should an instinct to attract the opposite sex. Animals know how to do it, why can't human beings?
I know how to be friends with men but I don't want to be friendzoned. How do I keep the flirtatious chemistry between me and men? This is extremely difficult to balance.
A few questions I have in mind:
- How do I know if a guy finds me attractive?
- How to tell if he would like to continue a conversation with me?
- How would I know if a guy is interested in me?
- How is this entire relationship thing work? Is there another manual for it?
- If i am always initiating the conversation, does that mean he is not interested? Or does it mean he's just shy?
You can never tell.
People with more experiences always say "Oh, you'll just know." "You can feel his way towards you". N-O, I cannot. It is one of my many many flaws and there is no way to fix it.
This flaw has made me lose quite a few opportunities and inadvertently shut a few doors. Mum always tells me how I should make myself more approachable to people. I should also stop rejecting people. The advice made me start reflecting on my impression to others. Maybe the way I response or the way I end a conversation is discouraging to men. Maybe they got the wrong message and interpreted as a rejection. It's never to late to realize and to change though I would've appreciated if I could learn it sooner.
Note to self:
1. Be more gentle
2. Laugh your way through when you don't want to sound harsh
3. Build up an unique personality but an amicable one
4. Self-confidence
5. Maintain a conversation
6. CALM DOWN
All in all, find a person who you feel compatible with, you can talk to for countless hours, you can count on, you can have fun with.
Re-read this post if necessary.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Frustration
As self-conscious as the following would sound like I'm gonna write it anyway.
If I were to be a mutant, what ability would you have?
I am absolutely envious of Charles Xavier and Jean's abilities. You may take away their ability of being able to change one's mind, but please, I'm devastated to be able to hear what people think inside their head so I would know how everyone think of me as a human being. Low self-confidence and selfish I know. By having this ability, I could potentially be an extremely likable person or an utter hypocrite.
I have always been very loud and ignorant and I believe my personality has gotten me into a lot of "evitable" trouble. My mum has just lectured me. I understand all of her words are for my own good and I should really listen to her, but sometimes I just hate to admit I am wrong. I hate hearing: I told you so. This sentence is completely unnecessary and it is certainly not comforting. Why can't she say something constructive? Our conversation seamlessly came to an end as I headed back to my bedroom. This feels way too high school for me.
Here's a list of things that I do not understand
- Why isn't there a manual on how to behave in office areas? For instance, am I allow to have fun, or am I expected to be constantly in my seat working/procrastinating?
- Why can't I finish my given task in 10 mins whilst other could take 30 mins and chill for the remaining 20 mins? I am getting my work done efficiently and I still have a life. (My mum's right on this one: think from your manager's perspective, would you like to see who you've hired is fooling around?) I understand. But I don't want to.
- What should I say? I've been advised to speak less and my topic should not as sensitive and controversial. Everyone has different standards and each one of us has different background. What sounds harsh on one person may be of no harm to the rest. Am I suppose to just zip up?
This office drama is far too complicated for me, a girl who prefers simplicity.
If I were to be a mutant, what ability would you have?
I am absolutely envious of Charles Xavier and Jean's abilities. You may take away their ability of being able to change one's mind, but please, I'm devastated to be able to hear what people think inside their head so I would know how everyone think of me as a human being. Low self-confidence and selfish I know. By having this ability, I could potentially be an extremely likable person or an utter hypocrite.
I have always been very loud and ignorant and I believe my personality has gotten me into a lot of "evitable" trouble. My mum has just lectured me. I understand all of her words are for my own good and I should really listen to her, but sometimes I just hate to admit I am wrong. I hate hearing: I told you so. This sentence is completely unnecessary and it is certainly not comforting. Why can't she say something constructive? Our conversation seamlessly came to an end as I headed back to my bedroom. This feels way too high school for me.
Here's a list of things that I do not understand
- Why isn't there a manual on how to behave in office areas? For instance, am I allow to have fun, or am I expected to be constantly in my seat working/procrastinating?
- Why can't I finish my given task in 10 mins whilst other could take 30 mins and chill for the remaining 20 mins? I am getting my work done efficiently and I still have a life. (My mum's right on this one: think from your manager's perspective, would you like to see who you've hired is fooling around?) I understand. But I don't want to.
- What should I say? I've been advised to speak less and my topic should not as sensitive and controversial. Everyone has different standards and each one of us has different background. What sounds harsh on one person may be of no harm to the rest. Am I suppose to just zip up?
This office drama is far too complicated for me, a girl who prefers simplicity.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
One of my favorite quotes.
Living in Hong Kong can be quite suffocating sometimes, especially when you have to commute to work on the weekdays and squeeze through endless waves of people. So, going to the suburban area has become quite a popular activity in the weekends!
Last Sunday, me and my friend went to Stanley. It was boiling hot and the sun was literally burning us for the entire time. Nevertheless, it was quite a relaxing afternoon. We had an amazing brunch and we walked around the markets and we even went to two small beaches. We ended up chilling at a really nice cafe for 2 hours because we just could not stand the heat any longer.
Whilst chilling at the cafe, we stumbled upon the gift cards section and here's my favorite quote:
"Watch the sunrise at least once a year, put a lot of marshmallows in your hot chocolate, lie on your back and look at the stars, never buy a coffee table you can't out your feet on, never pass up a chance to jump on a trampoline, don't overlook life's small joys while searching for the big ones" - H. Jackson Brown Jr.
This cannot be more relatable.
Last Sunday, me and my friend went to Stanley. It was boiling hot and the sun was literally burning us for the entire time. Nevertheless, it was quite a relaxing afternoon. We had an amazing brunch and we walked around the markets and we even went to two small beaches. We ended up chilling at a really nice cafe for 2 hours because we just could not stand the heat any longer.
Whilst chilling at the cafe, we stumbled upon the gift cards section and here's my favorite quote:
"Watch the sunrise at least once a year, put a lot of marshmallows in your hot chocolate, lie on your back and look at the stars, never buy a coffee table you can't out your feet on, never pass up a chance to jump on a trampoline, don't overlook life's small joys while searching for the big ones" - H. Jackson Brown Jr.
This cannot be more relatable.
Friday, June 6, 2014
The Awkwardness
I. Hate. Human. Interactions.
okay. That's too extreme. Let's pull this back a lil bit. I hate the awkwardness of getting to know new people, especially in an environment that I am unfamiliar with.
Basically, I switched job and I am trying to adapt.
How do social butterflies do it? They all say "oh you just introduce yourself and start telling them your background". Don't be absurd. My story isn't that interesting and they probably have better things to do other than listening to me rambling.
I guess I'm just rather impatient.
Similarly, I also don't like the process of getting tipsy/drunk. Hence, I always chuck a good amount of alcohol and start running around the room to speed up the alcoholism. This Is Not Recommended. Funny enough, I don't gag or puke much.
Right, human interactions.
The first month seems to be the hardest. [Beaming at everyone I meet] What should I say? I am speechless.
Ohohoh approaching lunchtime, why no one is getting up, are they gonna skip lunch, should I ask, wait wait someone's up oh no he's just going to the bathroom. [10 mins later, people gathered around a corner playing with their phones.] Where is my cue? Should I just shamelessly walk up and say hi can I join? Oh god someone please invite me. [Yay, an angel did eventually come.]
Lunch time: Should I crack a joke, nope, too early, they probably don't get it and I can't bear an awkward silence. Should I just continue to play with my phone, no, they will think I'm a boring introvert. Nonono, I'm actually hysterical. [puts away phone] Ohmygod, I am not interested in the topic but they have been talking about it for the past 20 mins oh god I'm not fitting in they are gonna exclude me soon. FML.
This is basically what I've been thinking on a daily basis for the past two weeks.
Two weeks have gone by, await the third week to come. Wish me best of luck.
okay. That's too extreme. Let's pull this back a lil bit. I hate the awkwardness of getting to know new people, especially in an environment that I am unfamiliar with.
Basically, I switched job and I am trying to adapt.
How do social butterflies do it? They all say "oh you just introduce yourself and start telling them your background". Don't be absurd. My story isn't that interesting and they probably have better things to do other than listening to me rambling.
I guess I'm just rather impatient.
Similarly, I also don't like the process of getting tipsy/drunk. Hence, I always chuck a good amount of alcohol and start running around the room to speed up the alcoholism. This Is Not Recommended. Funny enough, I don't gag or puke much.
Right, human interactions.
The first month seems to be the hardest. [Beaming at everyone I meet] What should I say? I am speechless.
Ohohoh approaching lunchtime, why no one is getting up, are they gonna skip lunch, should I ask, wait wait someone's up oh no he's just going to the bathroom. [10 mins later, people gathered around a corner playing with their phones.] Where is my cue? Should I just shamelessly walk up and say hi can I join? Oh god someone please invite me. [Yay, an angel did eventually come.]
Lunch time: Should I crack a joke, nope, too early, they probably don't get it and I can't bear an awkward silence. Should I just continue to play with my phone, no, they will think I'm a boring introvert. Nonono, I'm actually hysterical. [puts away phone] Ohmygod, I am not interested in the topic but they have been talking about it for the past 20 mins oh god I'm not fitting in they are gonna exclude me soon. FML.
This is basically what I've been thinking on a daily basis for the past two weeks.
Two weeks have gone by, await the third week to come. Wish me best of luck.
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